How to not be a jagweed on public transportation

Gather ’round, children, and heed my advice.

Whether you’re a New Yorker, so Bridge and Tunnel or a tourist, it’s clear to me you all need to hear this.

Here’s “The Sound Life’s Guide to Not Being A Jagweed on Public Transportation.”

Now, I’m not an expert at this, and I’m  not better than anyone else, and I don’t have a huge ego. However, I am one of millions of frustrated masses traveling through Manhattan every day who is only a handful of brain synapses away from yelling/screaming/throwing my hands up in anger.

Check ’em out:

  • Stop effing running to catch a train, particularly the S. You’re going to kill someone, or at least seriously maim them, and there will definitely, definitely be another train. Don’t shove to get past someone very clearly going the same direction as you. Are you more important? No? Well, that’s the kind of thing you’re exuding when you shove someone out of your way so you can step onto a subway train a split second before. Just chill out. You’ll be a happier commuter. Trust me.
  • The subway train is not your sofa/bed/futon/floor/personal living quarters. Please take up only your allotted real estate. I don’t care how much stuff you’re schlepping around. Consolidate it, hold some on your lap, etc. It doesn’t go in the seat beside you, on the floor across the aisle from you, etc. And if you can’t sit upright on the subway seat and either take up multiple seats or stretch your legs completely across the subway car, I question whether you’re ready to be out in public that day at all.
  • Silence your damn phone. Turn down your music’s volume. Wear headphones. No one wants to hear your phone ring-ping-ding or play some awful song. No one wants to be able to identify whether you’re listening to pre-Yeezus Kanye and certainly no one wants to hear you have a conversation with your Ma/Baby Mama/BFF/frenemy about your colonoscopy/drama/poop habits.
  • Move. To. The. Middle. Of. The. Damn. Subway. Car. No one can get into the car if all passengers are gathered around the doors, but the middle of the car is empty. Spread out. Enjoy having your own space for once.
  • Stand up, youths. Let your elders sit. No excuses.
  • Use your inside voices to talk to your travel companions. No one else on the train cares about how drunk you got last night/what stupid outfit Joan was wearing or how kinky your latest sexual encounter was. We also don’t need to listen to you tell your friend how pretty you are. Keep your voice down. Air your dirty laundry at home, probably in the window that faces the street.
  • PDA. Captive audience. Just stop it.
  • Walk down the platform. Don’t gather at the base of the stairs on the platform (or the top of the stairs at street level). Please step out of line of heavy foot traffic if you need to check your phone, get your bearings, etc. We promise, the subway signage won’t be far away.
  • Consider batheing. Alternatively, consider wearing slightly less perfume. We ride in tin cans. Everyone can smell you.
  • Everyone is human. Treat each other with respect. You don’t like it when someone yells in your ear or grabs up on you in the train car? Don’t do those things back.

Don’t like my advice? Read the MTA’s.

What do you wish people would do on public transportation?